The pain of losing someone dear
Well I'm not quite sure will I be able to express my true feelings here.I'm not sure why am I doing this. Is it my love for this person or my guilt?
One thing is for sure ,I have been feeling empty from quite a time and I just want to get over it. Am I being a Drama King doing this ? I don't have the idea either.
Losing a person is a lot different from losing a thing, it is a "Captain Obvious" statement indeed but is an inconvenient truth. The ones who are gone are gone, its hard to live with this feeling.
Sometimes when I'm home I would imagine him being on the terrace requesting to get him downstairs. Or when 'm eating something he would be ask me to feed him as well, or when I enter home he would place his neck over the rooftop railing and make some sounds that will look like he is welcoming you and constantly saying "Why don't you take me wherever you go?".
The origin of the name "Smikey" comes from the colour of his hair coat which was black with brown on his legs and forelegs. The patches above his eyes gave his face expressions that a human would have using eyebrows. Since smoke is grey and black his name was supposed to have smoke in somewhere but the brown part made it look like a smoke from fire, with light brown at the bottom ,just as in fire , so fire + smoke +y made it Smikey.
Similarly I brought the name Bruno, deriving from Brown.
It was by experience that dogs named Bruno were mischievous and he lived up to his name.
Once due to his extra ordinary high jump ability he got him selves on the main road and was badly injured by a car that hit him, he had to be hospitalized due to this and six to eight stitches were made to tie his head.
I was 18 when I found Smikey, my father strongly disliked the idea of having a dog. I pleaded to him regarding this and somehow managed him to agree on this.
This was the time I was in Kota, Rajasthan, India. Kota in case you don't know is the IIT-JEE/medical coaching hub. My father was a high ranked administration Officer , we had a huge bungalow with enough space to support a farm house type dog , infact we had two of them. Smikey was the one more attractive/powerful/agile/furious/loving/responding and what not! and I'm not exaggerating on this. None can deny that a pup has got the eyes, having power much more than "Uchiha Sasuke's Sharinghan" that could make you do things for him but for the first time I observed it happen , my father didn't even want to pat the dogs but in just a week my pups were all set to be like a dear companion for them. Infact my father started walking them in the morning giving the excuse that "hey I need to stay fit so why don't I take them out for the morning walk" , the evening walk wa by me or some Mr. "X" from office. This Mr. X was also a good friend to the dogs. My JEE exam was approaching so I stopped taking them out for walks and now Mr. X used to take him for walks.He had this strange protective instincts that I know are considered dangerous, for example once my Mother kept her handbag on the outside , so Mr. X picked it up to bring it in , Smikey made a quick movement to stand in his way , he didn't attack/lunge Mr. X , but it was like saying "Hey, are you sure it belongs to you?" ,my Mother she could easily pick it up and when my mother asked Mr. X to get it , Smikey didn't do anything either. This shows how intelligent he was!.
After my father got transferred to Jaipur my mother stayed alone with Smikey and Bruno(the other dog). Mr. X still used to walk them , I remember an incident when my Mother got frightened by Smikey's actions, he killed a big cat, picked it from his mouth and ran all over the Bungalow with the cat in his mouth. It was only after an hour or so that he finally gave the cat up!. There was another time(before my father got transferred) where he helped in the catching of a thief who was hiding in a house terrace just beside our bungalow. The Depty. SP of that place really appreciated Smikey's assistance.
In 2009 ,I came to IIT Bombay , I missed my dogs a lot, I always tried to take care of them myself, it was like raising children and I kind of had parental feelings for them. I know it was wrong but Smikey was much more closer to me than Bruno, I tried not to do it but I couldn't help it. He was my favourite in spite of biting me when he was a pup.
This was all about how Smikey and Bruno became part of the family and how Smikey took the role of being a watchman/guardian of the house. In Jaipur we moved to our own house instead of a Government provide "Bungalow" , it was much small compared to the one in Kota , the dogs didn't give much trouble ,they were like adjusting to the situations but with no Mr. X and me being far away they felt a little lonely the entire day. Smikey felt so lonely that when my Father left for his office he used to "cry" literally cry asking him to take him along , when he came back from work he used to return a different kind of a happy bark and noise that felt really relieving, he did as a a kid would do.
Smikey and Bruno didn't get bored, they were company for themselves, running all over the garden. Smikey didn't play ball games, Bruno did play but only when he was interested, but they loved to chase you, you can run all around the house with them racing with you. Another game which they loved was wrestling, Smikey was really good at it but was trained enough so that when I have to stop him I could. He loved to have a bath unlike Bruno who hated it just like bad-ass dogs do. Smikey had a little too strong desire for bone, being a vegetarian we used to give him artificial calcium bone, he was really fast at chewing it ,he once ate a 6 inch bone in just 20 min. I actually did measure the time he used to take on finishing his bones. By the time he became an adult he had this rich lustrous black coat. That would shine really bright in the sunlight.
He is gone!
Dogs require care just like caring a baby. They get sick if they eat something they are not intended to, they have limited diet , you feed them more and they fall sick , you let them stay wet , they get cold ,you let them be in heat , they get heat stroke!. So don't ruin a dog's life if you are not up for raising a Kid. It was Navratri Season 2011, I'm a half Sikh(my Mother is Hindu) so that makes this season a huge festival for us. Smikey was quite ill, he got alright but then back again he fell ill, I knew that Smikey will pass this just like he did in the past , all we needed to do was take care of him and my parents in Jaipur did. I was so much consumed in my life at IITB that I didn't even think of this. I was busy with internship interviews, I had already got past my Grandfather's loss(which didn't have much effect on me).One day , I asked Mother how was he doing , she told he was on the glucose drips , lying all day flat on the floor. I started praying for his health. I made through DirectI test towards the Interview. While I was waiting for the DirectI cab at Gulmohar Building(inside IITB) I called my parents asking about Smikey, they said he was fine now , I was happy so I told them that it was my interview today (I didn't want to tell them unless I get selected). I was so occupied by the words "Smikey was fine" that I didn't look at other possibilities but being a careful listener has its cost. I laid my focus back on the words they said "HE WAS FINE", I started focusing on the background from where my father was speaking , he was at home , it made sense with three possibilities, either he took a leave because there is some "havan"(being ninth day of navratri) or something ain't right or it is a govt. holiday. I observed my mother's tone it was full with sadness. That's it I knew something wasn't right, I hung up the phone, a teardrop ran through the corner of my eye I couldn't stop it, I tried to make myself believe everything was okay, I was giving interviews and whenever I got time between question I prayed "don't get me selected Lord , I won't feel anything about it but don't drive Smikey away , I will be shattered". I didn't make through the interview. Only one person did ,DirectI selects mostly one or two from an institute , I told my parents about the result. I was told Smikey is fine by my Sister however on a talk in the night, I asked my Sis to please re-confirm the status of Smikey's health , she broke , I could feel it in the tone in the breath pattern coming on the phone, the next day I phoned my father, it was almost night , no one was in my room , I locked the room ,I selected this time to call because I knew I would be broken after hearing the news. My father couldn't lie anymore they finally told. My Mother grabbed the phone quickly and said it was alright. I controlled my breath, my eyes were wet but my tone was fine , I smiled and said "I already knew" and wished them goodbye. I never felt like that before not even on my Grandfather's death. It was like losing a part of me. I felt everything spinning around me , I was mad, crazy ,frustrated wanted to shout the fullest but couldn't I wiped my tears ,turned off the lights and tried to sleep, I was able to control the water in my eyes no more, it was like a river running down a glacier. I missed him a lot."A dog returns the price spent on him by his Master" Smikey gave me more than that, in fact to everyone he gave more than that.Within 4 days a new black dog was brought ,we wanted to wait for a month but one of the "religious advisers" recommended that we should have a black dog as soon as possible desired was within a day. I didn't like this idea. The other dog(Bruno) was consumed by sadness , he used to fight a lot with him but his sadness showed that he missed him a lot. I asked my parents how did he die? , they told Smikey had something related to poisoning. It was eighth day of Navratri, he was lying on the floor with a glucose bottle rushing the useful things into his blood. My mother recited some Durga Paath sitting beside him. As told by them it felt like he was listening to each word they were saying, of course , they might not understand what the "Paath" said but they(dogs) understand the feelings with which we are talking to them. The glucose bottle was detached from his skin , he was now lying on a mattress type thing on floor , suddenly he stood up , went towards Bruno wagged his tail, Bruno started crying ,Smikey rushed to the outside ,pushed his head against the Asoka tree planted outside in a mini garden and laid down, and that was the end of him. It was 11:30 pm, my father went to see why was Bruno barking, he found out that Smikey was lying in the garden dead!. My father called my Uncle("Muasaji") who lived about 1 km away from us , so our nearest relatives.
On hearing this I was angry from my parents for not calling me during the last times of Smikey ,if I would have been there I would have ensured him getting burial, this is the guilt I'm holding on to. I decided, I will never forget Smikey throughout my life and if possible not even in after life, this was the least I could do for him. Again it is not considered good to remember the animals which are gone from your life , but I don't care about this anymore ,this is my way of giving Smikey what he deserved. I wanted to name the new Black Labrador Pup the name "Smikey" but we couldn't give this name to him because hearing "Smikey" made Bruno cry out loud. So I changed the name to "Smokey" in the spirit of Smikey.
Later I discovered a "salphose" tablet at the terrace near the eating vessel of dogs, I showed it the Pet Doctor who was treating Smikey with the best possible treatment available , he confirmed it. So Smikey didn't eat anything by mistake but was made to eat it from someone, the area is a famous spot of thievery associations like the famous "kaccha Gang" from past of Jaipur, Smikey might have been in the way of thieves/robbers , so this poisoning might have been a part of their plan. He struggled with poison twice, because as mentioned he got over with the poison once and then fell ill again. The Doctor said no Dog I saw struggled this much to stay alive, he didn't want to die so soon , or I feel he was waiting for me.
This guilt is endless
I tried taking everything to overpower the guilt and strange emptiness inside me. By everything I mean everything, nothing works. I remember at some times during my sleep I wake up remembering his face ,the time we spent together, but like a cigarette its all gone, what's left is the memories just like the cigarette butt and I have decided to keep this with me. Even while I am writing this I'm trying to find out the reason for me doing this, I think it will make me feel better. I am usually a good controller of emotions but when it comes to Smikey I'm done , I don't weep ,cry ,scream even when I want to. Its like I'm not carved out for this, but tears drop from the corners over my emotionless face.I didn't tell anyone about this either and even the ones who know, doesn't know what he meant to me. The reason is same I don't want sympathies from others, I just want to get away with the guilt I have been living with.
At times my mother insisted to change the Laptop's home screen image(which is the above image), which is one of the most brilliant pics of Smikey. My mobile home screen is the same, this is to ensure I never forget him no matter what. I believe in reincarnation , so when he is brought back to life I will definitely want to stay close to him and if possible pay the debt that I'm under. You will always be the best part of me ,Rest In Peace Smikey, until the next time.
